Understanding Limitations in Grief

From a purely physical perspective, I dislike the word “limitation”. It goes against every spiritual cell in my body. From the spiritual perspective, we are all perfect. Pain is an illusion. But as physical beings too, we experience a host of issues that seem totally contrary to one’s spiritual essence.

Until recently, I had a really hard time coming to terms with my obvious limitations that began immediately following my daughter’s suicide in 2005 and grew increasingly disruptive to my life over the years. Because we hear the phrase “return to normal” all the time after tragic loss and are conditioned to believe this is the best remedy to overcome grief, a great many limitations – both physical and mental – arise from any griever striving to reach a sense of “normalcy” again that is simply not possible. Especially for those dealing with complicated grief. Continue reading “Understanding Limitations in Grief”

Kindness in Grief

Being kind and respectful to one another. Wow, what a concept. In general, we have a really difficult time with this. In grief, both are painfully absent in many relationships, but this is most obvious in the intimate ones we share with a partner or other close family member. There are a host of reasons for this, but mainly, because no one in a partnership or other family relationship experiences the many symptoms of grief in the same way or time, conflict between loved ones is never far away. Striving for personal balance in all things can seem like an endless search and struggle. It can feel like there’s always something out of whack.

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Angels are 4 Real!

Today, I want to talk about angels. I love angels. I found them in 2005, just a few months before my twenty-two-year old daughter died by suicide. Today, I can truly say the angels are what saved me from myself in my horrendous suffering from my grief, and the big bad world, until I could stand more firmly on my feet. Initially, I studied with a mentor who has now gone on to other things. But I want to be clear, the angels have made an indelible impact on me, to the point I cannot imagine ever abandoning them from my personal life or the work that I publicly do. I am proud to claim angels as a huge part of my daily living and can honestly admit that without them, I don’t know where I’d be today, if even alive.

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Finding Gratitude in Grief

Feeling grateful for anything is not easy when we are in pain, but peace cannot come to us without the ability to truly feel grateful for who we are and all that we experience. In order to heal, we must be able to find meaning in every experience and value each person’s contribution to our journey. We must be able to recognize and appreciate the love, support and opportunities that come along that can aid our growth and healing without feeling resentment, mistrust, anger and fear.

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Mastering Fear in Grief

Universal laws teach that everything in life is orchestrated in divine and right timing. I know it doesn’t always feel this way when we are suffering. It can be difficult to trust that we’re going to be okay when faced with challenge after challenge, which is how it often feels in grief.

Whatever difficulty you may be facing right now, if you are feeling anxious and fearful because doors aren’t opening fast enough or in the way you think they should, do not despair. Here are a couple of things to consider: Continue reading “Mastering Fear in Grief”

So, you’re a griever…now what?

This past weekend there was a horrific limo crash in upstate New York that killed all 20 people, 18 of them inside the vehicle. Reading past the headlines, I discovered one family alone lost four daughters aged 30 to 35. That stopped my breath for few seconds, trying to imagine my own loss and subsequent pain times four. I couldn’t do it. I’m not sure I could survive that level of human devastation.

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Mountain or Molehill?

I struggle with anxiety. Fortunately, not on a daily basis anymore, but it does sneak up on me depending on how much seems to be stalled in my life, giving me lots to worry about if I so choose. I’m well aware that nothing is ever stalled. It just seems that way. But for a person living with anxiety, it can take the occurrence of only one or two small things that remind us we are not in control, to kick start the feelings of anxiousness and worry into high gear. Normal situations that millions of people deal with every day can suddenly turn into problems the anxiety-ridden believe are or potentially could be monumental disasters.

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Self-Forgiveness in Grief

In grief, making choices to move forward, which is necessary for healing to occur, sometimes depends on how willing we are to forgive ourselves past decisions and actions. Guilt can hold us to doing things the same way and having the same thoughts for a long time. This is especially true if we are concerned that the decisions we need to make to kick start the change we desire may hurt someone else, especially those closest to us. Every decision we make affects our immediate loved ones.

As a griever, we can do some crazy things. I absolutely advocate that it is the right of every individual to decide what they need all of the time and that they have the freedom to make the appropriate choices to follow their path. Especially right after loss. However, in grief (especially complicated grief), because the journey is so twisted and complex, what we think we want and need at one point along the path may be entirely different from what we would have chosen at a later point.

If you are struggling with guilt or regret over a decision you made earlier, you could be keeping yourself from moving forward in a positive way today. Stop beating yourself up. Past actions belong in the past. It’s never too late to change your mind about the way you can and will do things today.

When you act with integrity every step of your journey in grief, there’s never a decision or action that requires forgiveness from others. Only from you for you. Be kind to yourself (being kind to others will naturally follow). Love you for who you are and everything you have and are experiencing. Forgive yourself any perceived wrongdoings. Remember, you’re going through a lot. Sometimes you’re going to act a little crazy. It’s also important to remember that all of your decisions, when they are made from the heart, are the right ones for you at exactly the right time. All of your steps are leading you somewhere, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Throughout my own grief, I found that people have come and gone from my life (and sometimes come back again). There have been ups and downs, turns and twists. I have always felt a tugging in my heart to make every decision I’ve made, even those that I would not make today. All of them have kept me on my path to heal. All have taught me invaluable lessons. I have also found that the better choices inevitably outnumbered the questionable ones. Looking back, I wouldn’t change any of them.

If you find you are struggling with a past situation that was a direct result of a decision you made, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a hug. If you are in early grief, trust that your decisions will become more focused as you gain clarity through healing, and restore balance to your life. If you are in later grief, same thing. No matter where we are in our grief journey, maintaining inner balance is necessary.

The more you can feel tenderness and love for yourself, the easier it will be to forgive yourself. Which simply put, means freeing yourself from any blame and guilt you feel for any past actions.

Photos: pixabay.com

Your Health – Environment is Everything

I just moved into the condo of my aspirations. I won’t say dreams, but I will say the aspiration I had for the past two years to live in a condo with an ocean view in the city I have come to love on Vancouver Island. My husband and I moved to the island in 2016, but to a city that wasn’t on our radar. But by a force of nature that I couldn’t compete with, and despite not understanding the reasons for the events that occurred to bring us where we are today, I now understand it all and couldn’t be any happier or feel more at peace. Which says a lot, speaking as a bereaved mom who has not felt at total peace for years.

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The Good Griever’s Journey – Part 2

So, you are a griever. Possibly laid flat on the floor by whatever loss brought you to your grief. Hold up! There’s help, even if it doesn’t feel like it today.

The first thing I did when I became bereaved was connect with other bereaved parents. I joined the Compassionate Friends support group (bereaved parents click links for information about support in the  USA and Canada), sought out books, online communities and any other resource I could think of. There were few available.  I was grateful for what I did find, but other than reassuring me I was not the only parent who had lost a child and that the pain I was struggling with was felt by all bereaved parents, I felt alone and lost. There was nothing to guide me to the healing I desperately wanted. Until, that is, I turned to the world of angels.

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